Eressea

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I've transferred this blog to Wordpress. It's now here.

Little dog wants a ride!

I took  Jolens, my seven-month-old mongrel, to the vet for her vaccination shot. She was a good girl. Yelped a bit, but took it like a big girl. When we got home, my other girl, Pippa, a seven-year-old Dachshund, was so miffed that she didn't get to ride in the car, she wouldn't stop whimpering and yapping. She'd rushed out to meet me and kept running around and sniffing the car door.

I thought of giving her a ride around the block, but reminded myself that that was irresponsible use of gasoline. Not to mention adding to the already dangerous levels of air pollution in the metro. But the little dog wouldn't stop! She was getting frantic!

So, we did the next best thing: get in the car and just sit there. We stayed there for ten minutes, with Pippa sitting in the passenger seat up front, me in the driver's seat, and Jolens on my lap. Pippa had a back rub and a tummy rub, Jolens had a fine time sniffing at the steering wheel and dashboard, and I enjoyed the clean smell of my two girls. (They had a bath yesterday.)

It's so fantastic to have pets that are healthy and clean. They're happy and active. They make me happy and active.

 

Korea No Go

South Korea does not issue working visas to Filipinos wishing to teach English in the country.

On to Plan B: get into the graduate program that I've had my eye on for the past three years. That will most certainly beef up my consulting credentials. As for Cliff, well, I'll just have to deal with him.

For the time being.

Going back to exercise is helping me deal with this particular stressor.

Also, I will give online teaching a try. A friend of mine does it for US$45 an hour. She teaches English to Koreans through Yahoo Messenger.

Forgiveness vs. Acceptance

I understand now that my problem with Cliff is not that I can't forgive him; it's that I can't accept him for who and what he means to me.

No one can force another to love her, no more than anyone can stop the earth from spinning. I cannot fault Cliff for not falling in love with me; neither can I fault him for falling in love with another woman, Filipina or not. What I cannot do is change who he is and what he means to me.

Cliff will always be that man who rejected me. He will always be a reminder of my unworthiness. Since he rejected me, I am not worthy to be loved.

This is what I feel inside. My head knows this is not true, but I'm having a really difficult time changing the way I feel.

The way I see it, Cliff is the one at fault because he knew better. Supposedly. He was my mentor. I gave him my full trust, my entire being, my body and soul. I realize that my expectations were unreasonably high, considering that he was at that time just as confused as I was, just as unevolved as I was. But, there you go. He caused the hurt and, so, he is in the wrong.

Why, then, should he be rewarded with a relationship and the happiness that it brings?

To me, having a relationship is a reward. It's a good thing. And good things are meant only for people who do good, people who don't cause pain to others. Since I was the one pained and Cliff caused the pain that I felt (and I felt it very deeply, still do), I should have been the one rewarded with happiness, not him.

It's all very simplistic, I know. But this is how I feel deep, deep inside. No matter how much Cliff changes or how wonderful a man he gets to be, I don't think I will ever change the way I feel about him. It's unfortunate, but that is how I feel right now.

I don't want to be dependent on him anymore. In whatever capacity. In whatever aspect of my life. If I can change careers, I can change my life. I can design a new life. I don't have to have the stress of being reminded of pain everytime I see Cliff. I don't need to have him in my life. In whatever capacity.

I don't have to be a consultant. I can be whatever else I want to be. And I can be something else. Other things. And just because I drop the consultancy now doesn't mean I can't go back to it in the future or even continue it somewhere else. Without Cliff.

To conitue with this life that I have right now is a compromise. It doesn't make me happy. Whatever gratification I may get from it is cancelled out with the hurt that I feel when I am reminded of my unworthiness. Cliff's mere presence makes me feel bad about myself.

The trick is to remind myself that things will always change. Things never stay the way they are now. And that is a good thing.

It is also terrifying.

Scared

I sent out a few emails to a few universities in South Korea and a middle school, as well. Then I got this terrible feeling that things were going out of control. Fear of the unknown.

I'm not scared that these institutions would not respond; I'm actually scared that they would.

What if they did? Would I take it or back out? I am in a panic.

The main reason for doing all this, and I must admit this truth to myself, is that I no longer want to live a life with Cliff in it in whatever capacity. Is that running away?

The projects with Cliff are irregular; they are in no way certain to become a regular source of income for me. He has his own life to live and I cannot depend on him for mine. I have to live my own life.

I have to pull my own.

Alright. Options:

• Work with Cliff on this upcoming project for the first half of the year.

• Continue to look for work in South Korea in the meantime. I don't think I'll be so lucky as to get a hit the first few times.

• If I do get lucky, I will negotiate for a contract starting the third quarter of the year. This should give me enough time to -- What, make up my mind?! What a mess!

The problem, I believe, is that I have this fixed picture in my head of what my life should be. The trick is to be flexible and take opportunities as they come. This client that I'm working with right now will have a new CEO by the latter half of this year. There is no telling if that new CEO will be open to the services that Cliff and I offer. I have to have a fall-back.

There. I feel better. My head is much clearer now.

 

 

Nervous & Antsy

Once again, I am hit by my reality that I am unemployed and living from project to project. The next one starts in March this year, if I'm lucky. The money left in the bank is enough for a month, if I'm lucky and watch my expenses.

I've been asking myself lately: There is nothing holding me back from having grand adventures out in the world, so why am I still here?

A friend told me about South Korea's need for English teachers and the money one could make from that. I'm very tempted to jump ship, but my reasons for doing so are not valid.

For one, it's just impatience. For another, I'm simply running away from having Cliff in my life. It's strictly professional, I know, but it still hurts.

So these are my options: give this consultancy this last project. If it flies (read: goes on to other things), I stick with consulting for this year. If not, I give South Korea a try.

Yet, the question is: What kind of life do I want?

I want adventure. I want to experience new places, new people, new cultures. I want to write and share stories and pictures of the world online.

There are many other reasons for my present anxiety. My folks don't have much longer to stay on this Earth; I want to give them a comfortable life. I don't have much chance of finding a life partner where I am right now. My skills are so wasted living like this. I'm feeling my wings and they want to soar!

I'm afraid that if I keep putting this on the back burner, the opportunity will pass me by. I'm afraid that I'd be doing it for all the wrong reasons: running away from reality.

Then again, what's wrong with designing my own life, my own future? It doesn't have to involve the people I don't trust, who have given, and continue to cause, so much pain in my life.

After all this talk of believing in helping my fellow Filipinos improve their quality of life, would giving it up mean that I no longer believe? Would giving it up mean turning my back to my people?

Would teaching English in South Korea allow me to make a difference in people's lives?

Yes, it would, of course. I honestly believe that we touch people's lives in everything that we do. I also believe that I am now more capable of and skilled in managing my own emotions to maximize my encounters with others to make a significant difference in their lives.

In the end, I have a third option: Drop everything and give South Korea a try now.

It doesn't have to start and end with South Korea. Who knows where it could take me! It could be Japan or China; maybe even Europe! The most important thing is, I took control of my life and made it what I wanted it to be.

The time is now. I should start now. No guts, no glory.

Hot & Humid

The cool weather is over.

This morning, I made the mistake of taking my usual walk at 11 in the morning. The sun was shining, but I was expecting the cool weather that we'd been having in the morning for the past couple of months. I was to be disappointed.

And scared.

As it turns out, humidity was at 73%. No sooner had I taken a few steps outside than I felt difficulty in breathing. Thinking that perhaps it was due to my recent lack of regular exercise, not to mention the 15 pounds that I'd put back on, I continued on.

I was okay for the first halp of my walk, but on the way back, I started feeling strange. I dropped in the neighborhood grocery store and bought a cold drink. When  I got home, I just felt really bad. No headaches or body pain; just plain bad feeling.

A nice warm shower helped and sitting in front of the fan cooled me down considrably.

I need to go to the bank tomorrow. I think I'll start out earlier.

Married?

I went to the meeting with Cliff today. Over lunch, I thought I spied a ring on his left hand. Did he get married to his Filipina partner?

I was saddened, heart-broken, and filled with loathing. I loath him for his happiness.

When we parted, he gave me a heartfelt hug, but I was repulsed by the gesture.

I loathe him.

Ex-AFP Chief Angelo Reyes: Suicide

The news exploded on my monitor this morning: former Phl AFP Chief Angelo Reyes, dead from a single gunshot wound to the chest. The media have been calling it a suicide, but there has been no official findings as yet. Reyes had been implicated in the latest round of alleged corruption in high offices in the government. (Article on Yahoo News here.)

The last couple of weeks saw headline after headline of corruption allegations within the AFP. Witnesses of sterling reputation and character had come out of the woodwork to startle the nation with ghastly and disturbing cases of high-ranking officials, not only in the military, but also in other government agencies, receiving obscenely huge amounts of money on a regular basis.

That's a lot to digest there: government officials, huge amounts of money, regular basis.

This morning, the headline caught my eye: wife of former AFP comptroller Ligot owns eight houses in the US. (Article on Yahoo News here.)

Of course, eight is nothing compared to the 23 that the former Maguindanao governor, Andal Ampatuan Sr., owns. (Read it here and weep.)

That hurt. I've been working for more than 30 years and I still don't own a house, let alone eight. I haven't even been out of the damn country.

I am just as poor now as I was when I started working. I may have a few things, like a laptop, a digital camera, a cellphone, but these things are not capital assets that I can build on. I'm broke, having nothing in the bank , except for a month's expenses. I can't even say that I live from pay check to pay check, as I'm not even employed. (That is of my own choice, of course, as I can easily get a job anywhere. But that's not the point.)

The Filipno people is suffering from a heightened lack of integrity. Personally, I try to live by my moral code as faithfully as I can, but the problems facing my people seem so insurmountable. What can one individual do on her own?

I do believe, however, that there will be an opportunity for me to make a difference in the life of my people. I just hope it comes soon enough. It is so very difficult to keep bitterness and despondency at bay.

 

 

Business relations

So my one and only client is making tentative moves in the direction of possible business for me. The downside is, as has always been, Cliff is in it as well. I still am uncomfortable with him in my life -- in whatever capacity.

To be honest, I'll take any business he throws my way, at this point. I'm broke and beggars can't be choosers.

We meet with the client on Wednesday. Problem is, I'm supposed to wait for him after my meeting with the client. I don't want to walk around Makati in the noonday heat, but I don't want to hang around a coffee shop that sells coffee for $3 a cup. I'm watching my expenses.

I suppose I can look around for some place cheap. As long as there's business around the corner, I'll just have to look at this as investment.

I hate not having money.

Friends Part 2

I have a group of friends with whom I really have a great time. We seldom go out, as they are mostly married with kids. But when they do get the time to hang out with me, we have a blast!

The last time we went out, we went to have dinner at TJ's in Greenhills. No sooner had we settled down to eat when the rain started pouring down in buckets. Since I wasn't familiar with the place, I let them order from the menu. They recommended the bagnet with fried tofu. It was good. Then again, deep fried pork belly with anything is good.

I suggested we order the tuyo pizza. It wasn't that remarkable. I'd rather have anchovies on my pizza anytime. There were some other dishes which I now can't remember for being so unremarkable. Prices were good, though.

Some of the gang decided to try Tanduay Ice. It was a clear liquid, so I surmised it must have been rhum. I didn't try it, as I haven't had a drink in a looooooooong time. And since I was taking the public transport home, I thought it best to stay away from strange alcoholic beverages.

The rain had been pouring down for an hour; the bottles of Tanduay Ice were multiplying on the table. Then, horror of horrors, a guy started setting up mics and music sheet stands in a corner.

Oy. Live entertainment.

I don't mind live bands -- when I'm in the listening mood. But tonight, I wanted to chat with friends and catch up. So, I suggested we have dessert somewhere else. The nearest dessert place was Cheesecake Etc. Since everyone loves cheesecake and coffee, we hauled our asses off to the place. It was a good thing that the rain decided to let up then.

I've been trying to figure out what made that night so much fun, when we didn't really do anything outrageous. We just sat around and talked and laughed and made fun of each other. We made fun of other people, too. That was a lot more fun.

I suppose it's how we all react to each other that makes being together fun. It's how one person makes the other think of something funny to say, which makes another think of another funny thing to say. And this goes on and on and on. We are just effective foils to each other.